Hello Blogosphere, this is ~drew and I’m back!

Today I want to talk about getting triggered by anxiety. I am struggling with this today, as I write. This week I had a meeting that was disappointing. I was informed that I was not adequately performing at my place of employment. This message was not easy to hear. But that aspect is not what i want to illustrate. What happened before and after is the subject of this blog.

I saw that I had a meeting with my boss in four days time. I immediately when into a panic. At first I thought, “Oh shit, what did I do?” But then my thoughts turned deeper and darker. As the days progressed, I lost all confidence in myself. I berated myself for every little thing that went wrong, even stupid things like dropping a pencil. When I went to sleep, the thoughts tucked me in. When I awoke, they brought me coffee. All throughout the day I ran scenarios in my my head about what I did wrong, and what my response might be when confronted. On and on I obsessed about this meeting. 10 minutes before the meeting I felt sick. I thought “I’m a loser. I’m a failure.”

The meeting ended up being a very specific change in my performance that my boss needed to see from me, Fair, right? In my mind, I was already there. But if he needs to see changes, then I will comply. But why all the build-up? Why did I put myself through torture for four days? And why, days later, do I still have lingering, non-descript anxiety?

These are all the questions that are swirling around in my cranium a I type this blog. WHY?????

The next question I have is this: what are you going to do about it ~drew?

I have been in counseling for years. I have developed coping tools—things I know will work to calm down my “crazy-brain”(as I refer to my mind when I get triggered).

I don’t have a counseling appointment scheduled for a week, so I am basically on my own to utilize my training to handle this myself, my anxiety SWAT team. SWAT stands for Special Weapons and Tactics, and that is exactly what I need. Truth be told, some of these I should have been doing for awhile as a preventative, but alas, when my mind is clear, and that tightness in my chest goes away, I get complacent. “I’ve got this.” No you don’t!

My plan of action is built around things that calm me and/or bring me joy.

Here is what my plan of action is, starting right now:
Write about it. Share in my blog.
Meditate at least 5 minutes every day. Start slow and build. But commit.
Exercise at least 5 minutes on off gym days. This helps regulate “crazy-brain”
Play guitar at least 5 minutes a day. Start slow and build. But commit.
Listen to uplifting podcasts at least once a week, instead of binging on the (bad) news.


Nurture ~drew, nurture.

As I was preparing to write, this article popped up in my feed. The timing was perfect, so I thought I would share.


I hope you all are well.



About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
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2 Responses to Crazy-Brain

  1. msmarshall22 says:

    Hi Drew, I just read your blog and I totally can relate to your feelings – I deal with the same pre and post ramble from my crazy brain too, days before and after ‘triggers’ – I just wanted to share that I recently started reading Life coaching for dummies and an exercise in the book really resonated with me with this exact problem – and it seemed to be really good for tempering my anxiety so I’ll type out what it says….

    Turning up the Volume on the Voice of your Inner Coach (page 18)
    the first step in engaging with your inner coach is letting its voice come through loud and clear amid all the white noise created by your inner critic. Try this activity.

    1. Set aside 15 minutes in a place where you won’t be disturbed. Let your thoughts wander freely for a few moments, maybe bringing your attention to something you have experienced recently, perhaps a project at work or an exchange with a friend or loved one.
    2. Start to listen to the voices that come through. Can you hear the voice of your inner critic? what does it sound like? what does it say? How often does it use negative language? Do you hear a lot of ‘should’, ‘ought’ or ‘must’? Is it taunting, mocking, strident, bitchy, sarcastic? or is is sorrowful, fed-up, depressed, dejected? Or something else entirely?
    3. Now imagine a voice that is the opposite. How does it sound? what does it say? Is it a voice you know and love or one that is delightfully fresh to you? If you turn up the volume on this voice, how do you feel? Does your inner critic complain? If so, let it fade away and fizzle out all by itself and keep turning up the volume on the voice of your inner coach. What new insights does it offer you? What feelings does it produce for you?
    4. Practice this activity frequently. Fifteen minutes a day over a period of time can soon have you tuning in at will to what your inner coach has to say.

    I hope you get some relief from this exercise as I have and this mental storm passes soon.

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