Sayonara Depression

I have not been depressed in 6 months despite coming off my meds. Why? Meditation. Regular meditation. That is all.

ps. I took classes at a Buddhist center in town…it helped!

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Seeking the Approval of Others (as a way to escape approving of myself)

I can remember in 5th grade when Mrs. White hit me over the head with a magazine for asking for my missing homework assignments, again. Now I can freely admit that I was a hyperactive child and thus a nightmare for a classroom teacher. But on that day she became another abuser. And all I wanted was her approval.

 
This has been a pattern throughout my life. I desire the approval of authority figures, and I have figured out why. You see, when you have no sense of self, there is no self-esteem, only esteem from others. When you have no self…when the only self you see when you look in the mirror is that of your NPD abuser, you cannot feel confidence in anything you do, because you are not allowed to exist.

This pattern follows me to this day. And it is annoying me. I WILL seek my own approval! I WILL think of myself as worthwhile. I WILL be confident and stand up for myself. I WILL see me as someone worth approving of.

I even ended the last sentence with a preposition, so there!

Posted in abuse, acceptance, Narcissism, NPD: Narcissitic Personality Disorder, recovery, reflection | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Serendipity: Posted on FB an hour after I wrote my last blog

You need to understand that none of us are playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose – life always finds its balance. Don’t expect to get back everything you give, don’t expect recognition for all your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be instantly discovered or your love to be understood by everyone. As you live and experience things, you must recognize what works and w…
hat doesn’t, what belongs and what doesn’t, and then let things go when you know you should. Cut ties, release them, and complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because not everything is supposed to fit in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were so you can become who you are. via: http://www.marcandangel.com

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That Moment…

There is that moment when you realize that the game is rigged, the rules are one-sided (and not favoring you), you have lost, and there is nothing you can do about it? Today is a day like that. I find myself faced with a moment of anger/rage/helplessness. Yet, I do not want to live here.

For awhile now I have felt like a with a ship without a rudder. I am comfortable in a job but know its time to move on, but have not made any attempt to leave. The company has changed in such a way that I do not wish to be apart of it anymore.  I have all the abilities and determination to go somewhere, and no rudder to steer that course.

Knowing I need to leave my current employment, yet not knowing which direction to go, along with the anger of the rules of the game is causing me unhappiness.

Unhappiness=suffering.

I need to ease my suffering by changing my perception of the situation.

So I am changing my thinking on this situation in this way:

I am happy for all those that are succeeding.

I will meditate on their happiness.

I will find a new course.

I will meditate on gaining the wisdom to know which direction to steer my ship.

I will put in the needed effort to get there.

 

Happiness is a state of mind. So is suffering. If we do not want to suffer, we need to feel joy and compassion for others. This is the rubber-meets-the-road kind of stuff (which means it’s Über hard!!)

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Living in the Day

I have come to realize that I have had a “living for the weekend” mindset for quite some time, maybe the whole of my conscience life . Of course, I feel this way because I get to hang out and spend quality time with my beautiful family. This is me wanting only pleasurable experiences. I am beginning to think I am missing out on parts of life by living with this mindset.

I want to get the most out of life. That means being mindful everyday, not just on the weekends. By spending five days longing for two, I am wasting 5/7 of week.
Of course, I wish to spend my time with my beloveds. But the time away should not be spent in longing and lamenting the time apart. The time apart is essential…it’s called WORK! I should not, however, stop living because I am away. By being mindful of the experiences while away, I can become a more experienced person, and this will in-turn enhance the quality of my home relationships (does this make any sense at all?!?).

To live life to its fullest, one must live in all parts of life.

And be mindful of the importance of each part.

And not avoid that which is unpleasant, but rather accept it as part of the whole of reality.

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Iago Complex

 

Illustration of Othello and Iago

Illustration of Othello and Iago (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

You know when you step in dogshit, and you sit down to clean your shoe with a stick and you realize just how embedded into the tread the shit has managed to get itself? And then you think to yourself, “Well fuck-all, how in the world did this happen so quickly when my shoe just barely touched the shit? How did my entire shoe get so fucked up?”

Ever met a person that did the same thing with your life?

That person may have an Iago Complex.

I will not assume all of my readers have read Othello by the very bad-ass playwright William Shakespeare. In it there is a character named Iago that is a scheming, weasley, jealous, manipulating, murdering, lying asshat. And by asshat, I mean fuckwad.

He seems to be immoral.

It turns out that he is not immoral, he is amoral. According to www.thefreedictionary.com, immoral is: [someone who acts] contrary to established moral principles, while amoral is: [someone] lacking moral sensibility; not caring about right and wrong.

An immoral person is aware of right and wrong and is choosing to do the wrong thing, while the amoral person just doesn’t give a shit. The latter lacks a conscience. DANGER!!!

It has always puzzled me when I come across these people. I just could not comprehend his/her motivation for doing the things he/she does. I mean,  I make mistakes. We all do. We learn from our errors, and try to do better next time. This is normal, the base-line. But people with Iago Complex are not concerned with the same things you and I are. They always seem to be running a game with ever-changing rules. While they seem to be concerned with the greater good and doing the right things, they are running a con that benefits only themselves. Amorality.

These people will murder you via character assassination without hesitation  if they believe they will benefit. You could be his/her best friend. It doesn’t matter. Amorality.

People with Iago complex are devious. These people have many fine qualities that shine above the murky waters of their intentions. These qualities help them rise to positions of prominence. They become leaders of business, civic organizations, little league, etc. And no matter where they go, they run the same devious game.

So, how do you draw these amoral cretins out of hiding?

Openly disagree with them.

They cannot abide.

Ever had a “friend” disappear when you drew a line and said “Hey, what you did really bothers me?”

Iago Complex.

Ever had a coworker fabricate something you said. For example, “Sally said you are a motherfucking assclown?!!!’

Iago Complex.

Ever had a boss call you out on behavior that he/she did and you had no part of?

Iago Complex

No Morals.

They might be church leaders.

They might be the President of a corporation or of the USA.

No Morals.

No Conscience.

What should you do??

RUN AWAY!

WHY?

You cannot win because you HAVE morals.

 

PS: Iago complex and NPD walk hand-in-hand.

 

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Why Modern-Day Christians Piss Me Off

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

My grandmother always claimed to be a Christian. She kept a bible on the table next to the chair she sat in. It was a red bible.

 

My grandmother wasn’t a nice woman, though you would not know it to meet her.

 

Like most Narcissists, she could be very charming.

 

But have no doubt, she was sizing you up to see how much of a sucker you are.

 

She is the reason my mother tortured me.

 

She did it to my mother, and her other 3 kids.

 

Yet, she said she was a christian.

 

It never made sense to me.

 

She had no joy, love, kindness, long-suffering.

 

She harmed and used and manipulated and spread hate and discontent.

 

She made her kids hate each other.

 

Yet, she said she was a christian.

 

Once she said the bible was true.

 

My brother asked her how she knew.

 

She answered that the bible said so.

 

Therein lies the problem, and why Christianity pisses me off.

 

Circular logic coupled with belief in infallibility results in a group that cannot be reasoned with/debated/or even have polite conversation.

 

Why?

 

‘Cuz no matter what you say, you are wrong/deluded/underSatan’sSpell/ AND are going to hell.

 

Active listening is not thinking about what you will say next. It is listening with an open/empty mind to what the other person has to say.

 
Most modern-day Christians are incapable of this.

 

Why?

 

Because they are right.

 

Why?

 

Because the bible says so.

 

Why is that correct?

 

Because it’s in the bible.

 

Circular logic.

 

Infallibility.

 

Closed minded.

 

Because you are going to hell.

 

And it doesn’t matter what you say.

 

And that pisses me off.

 

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