Conflicted

Conflict and me do not mix, especially work conflict. Add in when my fairness button is pushed, and I am off to the races with anxiety. Here is how the cycle goes, as it did this week:

The Setup–

1) Person x is seen by the boss to be on a peg above me, even though we are in the same position–thus Person x has the bosses ear.

2) The boss does not see the underhanded, self-serving nature in which Person x conducts himself, especially when the boss is not around.

3) Conflict occurs with person x. I stand my ground and/or call Person x out on something that is beneath the standards of the work expected at our company.

Then the cycle happens–

4) I begin second guessing myself.

5) My internal voice goes off with questions like: Was I in the right? Will I get in trouble? Will the boss take his side over mine?

6) I begin running possible scenario’s over and over in my mind–How will I respond? Anger or Indifference? Will I tell the boss everything about Person x or will I hold back? What is appropriate in this instance?

I start calming down–

7) My realistic brain starts chiming in at this point: Hey, what are you doing? This is much ado about nothing.

8) Then I get angry. My internal monologue is profanity laden (I will not write it here).

9) I realize I need to calm myself down, so I begin listening to relaxing music and doing meditation. I sometimes BLOG about it, like I’m doing right now.

10) As I drive into work for my next shift, I have a smoldering sense of dread. I walk in like nothing in the world is going on, but inside I am expecting the hammer to fall. USUALLY IT DOES NOT.

This entire cycle of anxiety is exhausting. It is such a waste of time and energy. When I am in it, I try to be kind to myself and be mindful that it will pass. And it always does. My anxiety seemed to be in check post surgery, but I’m wired this way and have to make room for it in my day. I’m thinking about going back into therapy.

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in anxiety, blogging, confidence, meditation. Bookmark the permalink.

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