Seeking the Approval of Others (as a way to escape approving of myself)

I can remember in 5th grade when Mrs. White hit me over the head with a magazine for asking for my missing homework assignments, again. Now I can freely admit that I was a hyperactive child and thus a nightmare for a classroom teacher. But on that day she became another abuser. And all I wanted was her approval.

 
This has been a pattern throughout my life. I desire the approval of authority figures, and I have figured out why. You see, when you have no sense of self, there is no self-esteem, only esteem from others. When you have no self…when the only self you see when you look in the mirror is that of your NPD abuser, you cannot feel confidence in anything you do, because you are not allowed to exist.

This pattern follows me to this day. And it is annoying me. I WILL seek my own approval! I WILL think of myself as worthwhile. I WILL be confident and stand up for myself. I WILL see me as someone worth approving of.

I even ended the last sentence with a preposition, so there!

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in abuse, acceptance, Narcissism, NPD: Narcissitic Personality Disorder, recovery, reflection and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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