Tonight I am full of self-doubt and it is pushing my depression buttons. I am feeling this without the cloud of Effexor. I am feeling it raw. Tonight I feel stuck in a rut. I am fat. Really. I need to lose weight. Really. I feel out of balance. My body is fighting me. My foot hurts when I run. I get agonizing rashes. I have a hernia that prevents certain exercises. I feel guilty when I eat. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, even when all the above is preventing me.
I saw a video of myself tonight that showed how far I have let myself go. I feel out of balance. I want to live and see my son grow up but feel I am killing myself everyday I am this big fat blob and I hate myself for it. I can’t seem to make a dent. I need to lose some weight from diet so I can exercise more vigorously. It is hot as fuck right now. It is hot and saps my energy and gives me debilitating rashes. I feel guilt. I hate my fat body. I feel weak.
I hate when I feel like this: Defeated.