When I Feel Like This

Tonight I am full of self-doubt and it is pushing my depression buttons. I am feeling this without the cloud of Effexor. I am feeling it raw. Tonight I feel stuck in a rut. I am fat. Really. I need to lose weight. Really. I feel out of balance. My body is fighting me. My foot hurts when I run. I get agonizing rashes. I have a hernia that prevents certain exercises. I feel guilty when I eat. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, even when all the above is preventing me.

I saw a video of myself tonight that showed how far I have let myself go. I feel out of balance. I want to live and see my son grow up but feel I am killing myself everyday I am this big fat blob and I hate myself for it. I can’t seem to make a dent. I need to lose some weight from diet so I can exercise more vigorously. It is hot as fuck right now. It is hot and saps my energy and gives me debilitating rashes. I feel guilt. I hate my fat body. I feel weak.

I hate when I feel like this: Defeated.


About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in depression, introspection, psychology and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to When I Feel Like This

  1. OMG, that is just not good, stop beating yourself up, Drew. Please try to not say that stuff about yourself. We are all too hard on ourselves. I must tell you, I gained weight while on Effexor, I’ve been off that horrible stuff for 4 years and I lost the weight. So many people gain weight from that poison! If you were on a high enough dose. Sorry about the pep talk 😦 I think you need one. Play music and dance maybe? It’s a thought and not as hard on the body. Maybe music can save your life again. We never know. I wish you so much better times ahead. Getting off that Effexor was hard! So now you are in the next step. Good Luck and you can do anything you want. P.S. I hope you don’t get upset about my babbling 🙂 My motto used to be, some people like me and some may hate me, but at least they remember my name !!! 🙂

  2. Drew, I’m with the above commenter but i will also say that when you are telling yourself those things you are taking up the torch of your abuser and abusing yourself. if you could even find one small positive grain of truth about yourself and every time you have a thought like “i am fat” counter act it with that positive grain of truth, the truth is a great weapon!

  3. Marty says:

    Hey Drew,

    Here is another way of viewing this. These are all impermanent judgments (thoughts) coming from the ego. Our self image from our childhood is flawed, unworthy of love. We can change that and realize these thoughts are not accurate.

    The feeling of your out of balance is correct, but not in the way you perceive it.

    You are thinking and making irrational judgments that are erroneous about yourself. Much of this is at the subconscious level from childhood.

    Discount any thought and let go. Let go of the thought and just be here. Do not believe any thought that arrives in your head. Trust the ones when you are directing the mind.

    We are perfect and a little weight, a scar, anything does not change us. We wither and die so thinking some weight carries your self worth is not correct. Good luck.

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