The Nature of My Brain (Why I Suck At Making and Keeping Personal Goals), an Opera in Eb

Here it is, a two post day. I had a lot of stuff on my brain this week, and wanted to share it all.

I have an ADD brain. There, I said it. I am not sure if it was naturally occurring, if it was a result of my abuse, or if the abuse amplified the effects of my already developing ADD brain. I suspect the latter.

Nonetheless, here I am. I have learned, in many aspects of my life, to overcome the disability part of ADD, and have been successful at many things, including graduating from a top US University. I am quite proud of myself for that.

My personal goal setting, however, sucks. I think the reason is that I have to set a plan and structure the steps in order to meet the end goal.

The problem is that I have an overactive imagination, and not the wherewithal to tame the ideas and wrestle them into fruition.

I am an idea guy. I get bored with all the details. I want someone to grab the brilliance of my raw ideas and make them into something great.

That someone has to be me.

I am a songwriter/poet/children’s book author/playwright/screenplay writer/ and blogger.

I have done nothing with any of it. When I start on one project, the idea for another barges in and demands attention.

It drives my poor wife nuts (sorry honey).

This lack of focus extends to exercise, diet, and meditation.

******************

My subconscious seems to have found the answer. Do one thing at a time.

-For the past 3 years, I have cut down on, and am working on eliminating, my self-deprecation. I am not a fuck-up, so why do I tell people I am by making fun of myself? Sad-clown syndrome. It’s ugly folks. Don’t do it!

-18 months ago, I quit smoking. It was hard. It is not as hard any more.

-In April, I began weening off Effexor. One reason is that my doctor and I feel it has been a factor in my weight gain. I have now been off Effexor 100% for a month, and the effects are beginning to subside. This has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life (AKA it fucking sucked).

-Today, I start training for a 5k I will run in November. I am really out of shape,but I am in training! This gives me a very real goal to strive for. When I get there, I will make another one…a 10k maybe.

**********

On my wall, I have a list of things to stop and start.

I made this list 3 years ago.

I am slowly making progress.

I am taming the wildness of my thought processes.

I will make these thought processes into strengths, as I have in other parts of my life.

One at a time.

I will celebrate each success.

With each success, I will feel that much less like I am always playing catch-up (“If only I could figure this shit out” thinking).

I will start or stop one thing at a time and not overwhelm myself.

If I mess up and eat a pie, I will not eat another pie tomorrow.

I am a good person.

I am loved.

I am successful already.

=)

 

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
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3 Responses to The Nature of My Brain (Why I Suck At Making and Keeping Personal Goals), an Opera in Eb

  1. You’re on a roll keep going!

  2. Marty says:

    C-PTSD heels with taking mental action, excellent. You are moving and trying.

    Have you tried focusing on the breath to Develop concentration to apply when triggers explode?  You know we are all perfect and have a true self that mirrors this.

    Self talk is very very imports.  When we say something our ego goes back and picks out any memory that reinforces our talk.  Say something like I am a loser and it will become fact.  

    Have you tried affirmations dil this reprograms the ego with positive things

    Here is a mindfulness model which will help if you practice every day.

    http://ptsdawayout.com/2012/05/30/benefits-of-the-breathing-track-many/

  3. Marty says:

    Oh yes my father was a violent critical narcissist. I am healed now.

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