One Step Beyond

It has been 17 days since my last Effexor. The brain-zaps, though not changing in frequency, have lessened in intensity, giving me some relief. The physical side of the equation is coming into line. This week’s change is on the emotional front. The ~Drew I was in 2005 is emerging from an Effexor coma.

Back in April, when I first started weaning off, I began having small panic attacks. I still have these, usually as an after-effect from an emotionally intense situation. I had several of these situations today. Since I am no longer “Comfortably Numb,” I feel intense surges of emotions. Today it was anger (I stood my ground and called someone out on some bullshit they were peddling). These emotional surges leave residual feelings behind for my brain to analyze. It was this “after-analysis” my brain does that caused me to go on antidepressants in the 1st place. They were getting in the way of productivity. The end-result of the analysis was usually depression.

These after-effect feelings swirl through my head, making me more scattered than I usually am. They fuck with my ADD brain. In the old days, I’d start beating myself up for being “so weak and stupid.” I began doubting myself and my worth. I did not seek guidance for these feelings; Instead, I smothered them with a chemical pillow.

Seven years later, they are here again, and I have to face them. I have to learn to live with them. I have to assign them a space in my brain and, though acknowledging their existence, ignore them. Much like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind did with his imaginary friends.

I still have quite a journey.

It is always a struggle.

Each day is a monumental effort. But the cloud has lifted, and I am here. I will survive.

Each day is One Step Beyond!

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in anger, anti-depressant, depression, psychology and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to One Step Beyond

  1. It sounds like things are getting better each day 🙂

  2. please oh please don’t ignore them…they are there telling you to deal with them! you don’t have to live like this off the meds. do you see a counselor?

  3. Pingback: The Nature of My Brain (Why I Suck At Making and Keeping Personal Goals), an Opera in Eb | U Keep Walking Forward

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