Frustrated About Frustration

A Keen Observation by My Wife:

During a discussion the other day, my wife said that she has noticed me getting frustrated about being frustrated (when I get frustrated). This is a very astute observation: I get mad at myself for being mad.

How stupid is that?

What a crock of shit.

I am allowed to get angry.

The world will not end.

In the world of my abuser, I was not allowed to have adverse feeling towards her. I was the bad person. I was wrong. She was justified in beating the fight out of me because I needed  guidance. Someday, I was told, I would thank her for the discipline I received. Though Love*!! Spare the Rod!!!

I was not allowed to have an opinion. If I did have one, I was not allowed to voice it. If I did voice it, all hell fire would rain down on me. How DARE I contradict her. Who put me up to it? Was is BILLY? or FRED?

So I learned to swallow all of my feelings and walk through life as if I had a level on my head: not matter what was going on below the level, I would adjust so that the little bubble in the tube would stay steady.

I am the master.

No one suspects the horrors I have endured. The bubble is steady.

It usually surprises people when I do vocalize my frustrations. They do not expect it from me. That is not normal!

However, when I do get angry, I feel like I have to be wrong. I get frustrated about my frustration…it is a fucked up feedback loop. There is no winning this game. I think the antidepressants numbed my brain so that this was not an issue for many years…but now that I am off the meds, Pandora’s box has opened up.

I am learning that it is okay for me to be angry, and voice it. If you piss me off, I just may tell you. Beware!

 

*The Tough Love movement became popular at the same time we started attending a new church (see this blog). The convergence of these two changes in thinking were the catalyst for all new levels of abuse. As long as my mother could make a case for my brother and I being bad kids, she could assuage herself of all guilt. The Tough Love movement was intended for out-of-control teens that were out doing drugs, and stealing car radios, not for kids (like us) that didn’t keep their rooms tidy.

Advertisements

About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in abuse, anger, anti-depressant, introspection and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Frustrated About Frustration

  1. i relate it was like that with my father! let yourself be mad, just be careful who you take it out on…my poor Hubby sometimes is the recipient and i feel so bad after when that happens, then i feel like i was wrong…another vicious cycle.

  2. Oh yes it does! I grew up in a “Christian” Religious home, and man did my father take this to an extreme! for one, “the man is the head of the household…” “wives submit to your husbands…” he would stop there and not acknowledge the rest of it…that was the tip of iceberg! it could be a whole blog post but i’m not quite ready to go there yet, it could ruffle some feathers!

What say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s