I was just reading Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb and was reminded of a major issue adult children of narcissistic parents have. I have. I first became aware of this affliction when I was beginning my teaching career. I was sitting at my desk, putting the finishing touches on my first batch of report cards. All that was left to do was sign and date the stack before me. I was 8 or 10 cards into signing when my mother’s voice said to me, “No one can read your signature. You should be embarrassed that parents will look at that scribble.”
I shook off her voice, and started to sign the next report card and could not remember how to form my signature. I was shocked. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid. How can I teach students when I can’t remember how to sign my name? THIS is C-PTSD. The bitch of it is that the trigger, my abuser’s voice, came from within. I was alone in my classroom. I had been programmed to beat myself up in her absence. Her voice inside my head had caused me to become the self-same child lacking an identity I was in her house all those years ago.
Adult Children of NPD Abusers must actively connect with these moments and work on them in the light of day, otherwise we will never build our own identity. We were raised to serve the abuser, as worker bees exist to serve the Queen Bee. We do not have a self. When our abusers look in the mirror, they see themselves. When they look at us or you or the Queen of England, they see themselves. When the children of NPD Abusers look in the mirror, we see our abusers, for we do not exist.
The person I have become will never be good enough for my abuser. I no longer serve her needs. I no longer exist solely as her emotional support and/or punching-bag. I hold most of the cards of my life, yet get sucked back in now and again. I have loving, supportive friends and family that love ME for who I am. It has taken much pain and effort, but I have a self. Most of the time, I like ~Drew. We still have awhile to get to know each other. The future of our relationship is looking good!
- Trapped in the Mirror: Not Anymore (I hope!) (paulettecake.wordpress.com)