WOW. Here I am 2.5 years later. I am down to 319! Yes, I ballooned up again. Since the 2009 part of this blog, I have quit smoking (10 months), and have begun recording in earnest. I discovered that my mind was overwhelmed with the idea of recording a complete album. I am a solo practitioner and must write and record every part myself. I have accomplished a great many things in my life, and I can do this too. I put myself on a schedule, doing small parts at a time. As long as I continually move forward with the project, I will complete it (eventually). I have become okay with the idea that life gets in the way sometimes and the schedule may change…but I can always pick up where I left off.
Two weeks ago, I started an exercise program. It is one of those “Everyday For 90 days” videos. I am doing well so far. I have been listening to my body and taking it slow. I have a few medical issues that prevent me from doing it everyday (sometimes). Buy, like the music, as long as I keep coming back to it, I will be healthier. Therapy and Buddhist teachings have helped me gain some perspective on my self-deprecating nature. I am much nicer to myself of late and am much happier.
The weight issue has some deeper connotations, rooted in what I learned as a child, what I was forced to do, and how I self-sabotage. Until I was 21, I was thin. Very thin. Then my metabolism changed. My on-again off-again exercise had become permanently OFF, and I drank and ate whatever I wanted. The effect?!? I blew up by about 150 lbs (230-380). I have never been able to get it all off. The lowest I have been in the past 22 years is 270 (1998).
A few years ago, right before I began this 319 Part 1, I unexpectedly gained 40lbs. I ate like shit, didn’t exercise, and smoked…but the amounts of those didn’t change. It was just before my nervous breakdown. Until then, I had been ridding a 275-295lb yo-yo for about 10 years. Now, I not only broke 300 again, I smashed right through it. I have not been below 300 since.
You see, I learned that being heavy keeps people away. You can use it to test the mettle of a loved one (relationship sabotage anyone?). You can use being heavy as a scapegoat for deeper issues—hiding behind a fat cocoon. You can make yourself the butt of your own joke…everyone loves the jovial, self-deprecating fat guy. I played all of these rolls. The truth is that I have hated myself because I had no sense of self. I wrapped that up in a fat suit and hid behind it. I don’t want to do it anymore. Here’s to the last time I’ll be 319!Cheers!