Do you remember when you would get called to the principal’s office, and would experience sheer panic on the way? Yeah, me too! Only, as an adult, I feel this all the time. I felt it today. My boss scheduled a meeting with me tomorrow. I think it has to do with a hard shift I managed the other night. I am a manager of, let’s say, a warehouse (not really, but it is close to what I actually do). The night did not go as planned. It was my night to run things. This is the one night of the week that I run the late shift. This particular night, for the past few weeks, seems to be riddled with problems. This week was no exception. As the night manager, I made a decision that I think he disagrees with. It is his job to speak with me if he sees areas of improvement. I understand that. Also, he is a reasonable guy, most of the time. I understand that too. Yet, I find myself triggered. I find myself running scenarios about how the conversation will go…especially how I will respond.
My response scenarios range from taking a big stand, making an eloquent case for myself (of course bringing in supporting evidence and testimony), to sitting there passively and saying nothing. Why do I do this? Why do I pre-run these scenarios over and over again and drive myself crazy? I learned how to do this. This is a survival tactic I learned to survive my crazy, narcissistic abusive mother.
This is me being triggered. It is important for me to understand this mechanism, to study it, and accept it for what it is. Only when I have become mindful and accepted it can I begin to change how the mechanism works. This is C-PTSD. This is what is going on right this moment while I write. NOW! I am triggered NOW, just as I am planning to come off my meds. Will it be worse when I am off my meds? How much are they keeping me stable NOW…keeping me from taking a nosedive? This is the agony of C-PTSD.
Sometimes, this being triggered can lead to full-blown depression. I have bottomed out in the past from one of these seemingly innocuous moments. Most people can have that moment of panic, and then return to normalcy. Not me. I must take a ride. The ride sucks every time. EVERY TIME. It sucks NOW!
Tomorrow at 1pm, I have my meeting. It will probably be about something else altogether.