Living with C-PTSD AND major depression is a rough road to travel. There are, however, days and weeks when life is pretty good. And then… the storms hit. This is how I live my day to day: I know the storm is coming eventually; trying to enjoy the days between is difficult and takes being mindful: aka stopping to smell the roses.
My life has a longer depression cycle too, one that can last years. I have gone through periods of incredible creative highs with music and poetry, sometimes lasting 1-3 years. Then…. nothing. Nothing for 1-3 years. My creativity is drained. I am fortunate to have several creative outlets that serve as releases and as a record of my depression. The problem is, when the well is dry, I want to tear my heart out and throw it against a brick wall.
Music has been my constant refuge since I was in grade school. I have always been able to escape into it and find comfort, or at least a friend… something to stir my heart and tell me I’m alive. I find I have two types of depression listening sessions: Repeat one, and Repeat all. Here’s what I mean. There are depression episodes where I need to hear Jeff Buckely’s sing Hallelujah 20 times in a row: Repeat One. Then there I times I need to ride the entire length of Dark Side of the Moon: Repeat All. It depends on the mood.
I know others that use one or the other as their means of escape…. I vary my approach. How about you? How do you cope when the storm rages and there is no escape from the pressure, guilt, self-hate, lack of energy etc? Are you a Repeat One, Repeat All, or both?