Repeat One Vs. Repeat All

Living with C-PTSD AND major depression is a rough road to travel. There are, however, days and weeks when life is pretty good. And then… the storms hit. This is how I live my day to day: I know the storm is coming eventually; trying to enjoy the days between is difficult and takes being mindful: aka stopping to smell the roses.

My life has a longer depression cycle too, one that can last years.  I have gone through periods of incredible creative highs with music and poetry, sometimes lasting 1-3 years. Then…. nothing. Nothing for 1-3 years. My creativity is drained. I am fortunate to have several creative outlets that serve as releases and as a record of my depression. The problem is, when the well is dry, I want to tear my heart out and throw it against a brick wall.

Music has been my constant refuge since I was in grade school. I have always been able to escape into it and find comfort, or at least a friend… something to stir my heart and tell me I’m alive. I find I have two types of depression listening sessions: Repeat one, and Repeat all. Here’s what I mean. There are depression episodes where I need to hear Jeff Buckely’s sing Hallelujah 20 times in a row: Repeat One. Then there I times I need to ride the entire length of Dark Side of the Moon: Repeat All. It depends on the mood.

I know others that use one or the other as their means of escape…. I vary my approach. How about you? How do you cope when the storm rages and there is no escape from the pressure, guilt, self-hate, lack of energy etc? Are you a Repeat One, Repeat All, or both?

~Keep Walking

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in C-PTSD, coping, depression, recovery and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Repeat One Vs. Repeat All

  1. gospelwriter says:

    How do you cope when the storm rages and there is no escape from the pressure, guilt, self-hate, lack of energy etc? I walk, with whatever music comes up in my head. Usually it’s a Repeat One sort of thing; I get the tune in my head and there it stays – loop, loop, loop….

  2. ~L says:

    OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE FELT SO… I CAN’T EVEN FIND A WORD TO WHAT I FEEL… I FEEL LIKE I JUST READ SOMETHING I WROTE… THIS IS TOTALLY ME!!!! 100% WOW! THIS IS VERY… HUMMM … STILL AT A LOSS OF WORDS..

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONEST WORDS!

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