C-PTSD and Me Part 3

     My counselor said two things to me that put into perspective how serious my C-PTSD and depression is: 1) Yours is the worst case of abuse and neglect I have ever seen, 2) I don’t know how you get out of bed every day. WOW! That seems hopeless. During those sessions, it sure seemed hopeless. I would drag myself through the week till I could get in and see her again. She was my lifeline. We began slowly. We worked on tools and techniques that allowed me to better cope with the week. When the week became easier, we started some long term tool development. She had me buy a PTSD workbook. There is a great section on C-PTSD. In there, I found my affliction. WOW, there might be hope! After a few months, my crisis was over, and I was graduated from therapy.

     It has been 9 months since the day she said to me “You are a transformed human being.” WOW! That seems hopeful! Although the tools I acquired with my counselor’s assistance have allowed me from bottoming out since then, life is no cake-walk. I have the same miss-wired brain I have always had. I cycle through lesser depression days… hating myself… feeling weak…. the whole enchilada.

     I know there will be another storm to knock me down. There always is. Others CANNOT understand, anymore I can understand what it means to be blind. This is who I am. It’s not my fault. Someone did this too me. Someone I trusted to take care of me. Someone that held me captive and hurt me. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. Why does it always feel like its my fault?!?

~Keep Walking

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in C-PTSD, coping, depression, psychology, ptsd, recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to C-PTSD and Me Part 3

  1. Jingle says:

    there are always storm knocking you down, but you have the courage and strength to get up and fight for life…
    awesome post.

  2. Jingle says:

    To link in a poem to our potluck today, click here:
    http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2010/10/poetry-potluck-seven-deadly-sins.html

    thanks for the support.
    Happy Monday!

  3. Jingle says:

    http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/thursday-poets-rally-week-31-october-21-27/
    I invite you to attend Thursday Poets Rally week 31.
    sign in, link in a poem, visit and comment for 18 poets, get yourself known to the community….you are represented as a fresh poets to explore, can’t wait to have your talent shared with fellow poets.
    let me know when you are ready.
    r rock!

    this is different from jingle poetry…

  4. Write it out my poet friend. It takes courage to say what you just said. You’ll make it!

    I wrote a poem in misery http://keshavnarla.wordpress.com/2010/07/01/nothing-to-say/

    Hope it helps

    Hey also, I just wrote this theory. But to you it maybe complete nonsense – could you have a look? Thanks
    http://keshavnarla.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/life-rules-100-people/

  5. Jingle says:

    http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/the-celebrate-poet-of-september-award-nomination-announcement/

    how are you?
    please vote when you have a moment,

    you are nominated, automatically, u win 1 vote,
    when you vote for other poets, u win another vote for yourself,

    thanks for the attention.

  6. ~L says:

    I feel your pain, your confusion… your overwhelming need for hope to prevail… I often wonder if I will ever get better… will this ever go away? My soul LITERALLY hurts right now. I have a tightness in my chest that hurts for you that hurts for the little girl trapped inside this now adult… and I want to scream “it was not my fault” … but it’s stuck… I thank you and commend you for your honest words! Never stop writing!

  7. Molly says:

    “I know there will be another storm to knock me down. There always is. Others CANNOT understand, anymore I can understand what it means to be blind. This is who I am. It’s not my fault. Someone did this too me. Someone I trusted to take care of me. Someone that held me captive and hurt me. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. Why does it always feel like its my fault?!?”

    I 100% Understand that others do not Understand yet Understanding You makes me Understand Me just that little bit more and it soothes my troubled soul to know you would Understand Me too, thank U for sharing.

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