Soliloquy: C-PTSD and ME Part 2

This is a soliloquy I wrote for a screenplay. The story is semi-autobiographical and centers around a character living with the effects of C-PTSD.

I’m imperfect. This statement is not meant
as an excuse; it is how I was raised.  The
expectation of perfection hung over my head,
always. And I always knew that I was never
going to reach it.  Church reinforced that we
are all imperfect in the face of God.  We can
never satisfy his holy criteria. We can never
reach the perfection that he demands…but
there is an out…a safety valve…[sarcastically]
JESUS CHRIST. Jesus came and died for us
and became intercessor.  Fucking A!  But that
is all bullshit.  I know that now.  I knew it then.
  And I knew it at home especially, when dear
old mom, “only demanded perfection.”  So I
was born a loser.  And I knew really fucking
early on.  Imperfect. Falling short of God and
almighty mom. And this has been the source of 
all that has gone wrong with my life.

~Keep Walking

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About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in anger, C-PTSD, coping, depression, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Soliloquy: C-PTSD and ME Part 2

  1. ~L says:

    whatever church you went to is screwed up… that is not how God see you at all… he sees you as his love… and He loves you no mater what you do or don’t do… nothing you do can make Him love you less… it is the choice that he gives us and because some people choose to be evil and do evil things…

    it does not make sense…. at times i hate God… at times I don’t understand… but many times it is His love that is the only think that gets me through… I am so sorry for this awful evil that you have endured! I don’t expect you to understand God and all the why’s all the fricken why’s … I have them too and I can’t imagine how hard this is for you… I am so proud that you are walking forward… today I decided to crawl back into bed and forget healing… forget this getting better… today i don’t care… i just want to sleep and not care… because it all hurts to damn much!!! and I feel like no one understands!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. so sorry you see yourself that way, instead of seeing your mom as a broken person full of lies to herself and you.

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