I am about 9 or 10 weeks off Effexor now. Now that I am non-medicated, it seems I have massive anxiety. Lucky me!!! It has been an anxious week, for sure. More than that, I realize now that I have suffered from massive anxiety my entire life. And anxiety is the trigger for my depression and C-PTSD. There you have it, folks: me in a nut(ball) shell.
Okay, I accept all of that. But I fucking hate anxiety and want to kill it with a machete. Now.
Here are the ways my anxiety fucks with my life:
b) paralyzing stage-fright (I’m a musician)
c) lack of confidence
d) lack of motivation
e) fear of confrontation
f) obsessing over the meaning of offhand statements by others.
I am sure there are more, but I can’t think of them right now.
This week, I had a trifecta of anxious moments happen. A dear friend was prevented from committing suicide, another’s father suddenly died, and I choked at my first open mic performance in years.
I am off from work today and am filled with (a) and (c) from above. On top of that, I have been feeling stuck @ my job. I am no longer feeling like I can move up in my company. I recently felt the glass ceiling come over me. This causes me anxiety because I feel no matter how I perform at my job, I will never get ahead. I will never be advanced. I am stuck.
This past week sucked, and it has left me feeling shaken and worthless. My emotional T-cell count is at a frighteningly low-level. Why do I have to go through this bullshit over and over again?
Great question!!! I’m glad I asked it. It’s because of Emotional Dysplasia. Dysplasia is an abnormality of growth, usually referring to cells. I am using it here for abnormal emotional growth. Anyone can have emotional dysplasia, but I believe it is usually based on the environment in which a child matures. It’s the whole nature v. nurture argument. For some of us, we didn’t stand a chance of normal emotional development. A tortuous, emotionally abusive environment is guaranteed to have a detrimental effect on any child’s growth, and it is the source of my anxiety.
And I want to cash in those anxiety chips for new ones. That means learning new coping skills, which I will. It means meditating more, which I will. It means being kinder to myself, which I might. The jury is out on the latter.
All of this is part of gaining my own identity that is separate from that of my narcissistic abuser. I learned that I was not relevant. My opinions did not matter. I was a failure, no matter what I did or accomplished. I was stuck.
I carry these imbedded feeling with me every day!!
And they are fucking bullshit. Yet, they overwhelm, surround, and enrobe me. Evil vortex site here, folks.
Some days, it’s hard to smile.`
Did I smile at you today?