I H8 Ang-Zahy-I-Tee

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am about 9 or 10 weeks off Effexor now. Now that I am non-medicated, it seems I have massive anxiety. Lucky me!!! It has been an anxious week, for sure. More than that, I realize now that I have suffered from massive anxiety my entire life. And anxiety is the trigger for my depression and C-PTSD.  There you have it, folks: me in a nut(ball) shell.

Okay, I accept all of that. But I fucking hate anxiety and want to kill it with a machete. Now.

Here are the ways my anxiety fucks with my life:

a) Self-doubt

b) paralyzing stage-fright (I’m a musician)

c) lack of confidence

d) lack of motivation

e) fear of confrontation

f) obsessing over the meaning of offhand statements by others.

I am sure there are more, but I can’t think of them right now.

This week, I had a trifecta of anxious moments happen. A dear friend was prevented from committing suicide, another’s father suddenly died, and I choked at my first open mic performance in years.

I am off from work today and am filled with (a) and (c) from above. On top of that, I have been feeling stuck @ my job. I am no longer feeling like I can move up in my company. I recently felt the glass ceiling come over me. This causes me anxiety because I feel no matter how I perform at my job,  I will never get ahead. I will never be advanced. I am stuck.

This past  week sucked, and it has left me feeling shaken and worthless. My emotional T-cell count is at a frighteningly low-level. Why do I have to go through this bullshit over and over again?

Great question!!! I’m glad I asked it. It’s because of Emotional Dysplasia. Dysplasia is an abnormality of growth, usually referring to cells. I am using it here for abnormal emotional growth. Anyone can have emotional dysplasia, but I believe it is usually based on the environment in which a child matures. It’s the whole nature v. nurture argument. For some of us, we didn’t stand a chance of normal emotional development. A tortuous, emotionally abusive environment is guaranteed to have a detrimental effect on any child’s growth, and it is the source of my anxiety.

And I want to cash in those anxiety chips for new ones. That means learning new coping skills, which I will. It means meditating more, which I will. It means being kinder to myself, which I might. The jury is out on the latter.

All of this is part of gaining my own identity that is separate from that of my narcissistic abuser. I learned that I was not relevant. My opinions did not matter. I was a failure, no matter what I did or accomplished. I was stuck.

I carry these imbedded feeling with me every day!!

And they are fucking bullshit. Yet, they overwhelm, surround, and enrobe me. Evil vortex site here, folks.

Some days, it’s hard to smile.`

Did I smile at you today?

About ~Drew

I am a survivor of childhood torture. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, moving forward. To do any less would spell my own destruction. My music/poetry/prose deal with the devastating effect of this kind of abuse on a human being: me. My experiences/thoughts/ideas/misconceptions are exposed here for all to see. Here. I am lain bare, naked, hidden only be the cloak of anonymity.
This entry was posted in abuse, anxiety, C-PTSD, coping, depression, meditation, NPD: Narcissitic Personality Disorder, psychology, therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I H8 Ang-Zahy-I-Tee

  1. i know how you feel, be kind to yourself it’s where you’re at and that’s okay. take one moment at a time.

  2. Molly says:

    One thing I have discovered about my anxiety & depression due to cptsd due to a childhood full of abuse is that the ‘stress’ is the trigger. I’m ok till there is too much stress. The things you went through recently were stressful – thus in my opinion why you have swung back into high anxiety. When I am stressed my inferiority complex rears its ugly head and I feel helpless, hopeless, anxious, depressed & angry that I am still living this life sentence instead of the abuser – who is now dead – he died in jail – coz I put him there. Still I suffer. Really enjoying your blog Drew, you are an inspiritation.

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